Lawsuit for Smoking?

When I hear shit like this, it makes me want to club these people to death with a two-foot double-headed Black Mamba (if you don’t know what this is, go to www.adamandeve.com, or watch “Requiem for a Dream”).

Soooo...a jury in Broward county found in favor of a woman who sued Phillip Morris for the death of her husband. First of all, for how many fucking decades has it said directly on the box: THIS SHIT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU? If you’re old enough to think about smoking and can’t read, YOU DESERVE TO DIE FROM LUNG CANCER. Fucking idiot.

Beyond that, he started smoking when he was 13. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if you start smoking at 13, you’re probably boosting cars and raping chickens, too. I’m sure the fact this guy died was a huge blow to the Nobel Peace Prize committee and MENSA. I’ll venture a guess that homeboy wasn’t playing chess against any supercomputers.

I’ll even do you one better, he died at 80 yrs. old. I’m gonna let that sink in a second...HE DIED AT 80 FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!! Some healthy people don’t live that long!! I’ve heard it said that only the good die young (in that case I just might live forever). If that’s the case, the guy that smokes from age 13 to 80 is DEFINITELY A HERPES SORE ON THE COCK OF SOCIETY!!!

I’m out, I have a date with a pillowcase full of kittens and a bridge...

TunrberryTony Hates Handicapped

AventuraAsshole on Quinceanera Parties

As of Saturday, I have attended my first Quincenera. It could be said that the Latin culture grows on you, just like ringworm. I can feel my bratwurst slowly turning into chorizo. For those of you not familiar with a Latina Quincenera, suffice it to say it is a huge fucking deal.

The Quincenera is the ceremony in which a young girl becomes a woman (yeah, nothing how I imagined it either...plus her whole family was watching, creepy). But seriously, it was a very cool experience which I felt privileged to have been a part of. Karina looked gorgeous and Havana Harry was proud as shit, which for the life of me I can... See More’t figure out. Clearly, a child as intelligent and beautiful as she is not from his genetic stock (I believe the Cubans have a saying, ‘there’s always a Gringo in the woodpile somewhere’).

Unfortunately, one of the less intelligent, younger members on the guest list made the mistake of grinding on Daddy’s Little Princess. Fortunately for us, there is a canal located in very close proximity to the event hall.

AventuraAsshole on life

Today I'm not my usual pessimistic self. The weather was gorgeous, today is the fifteenth anniversary of the birth of Havana Harry's daughter, Karina and the Jeep is clean for the first time in months. I don't really feel up to my usual level of venom on the Quiceanera of a friend's daughter.

So today I leave you with this: life is short, so live today like it's your last...it just might be. Smell a flower, stop to hear a bird sing, pet a puppy, kick a cat and if you have someone that you love...tell them. Oh yeah, and "it's a celebration, bitches. Show Charlie Murphy your titties!"
Peace...

AventuraAsshole got locked out of his apartment

So today, Turnberry Tony and I were relaxing at the pool when I got a call from my Colombian roommate. When I answered he said, "Me key no worky en la puerta. Me no speaka good Eeeenglish.
You come let me in house, yes?"

After berating him for being a dumb Mexican, I decided to go back and help him out (against my better judgement). Well, sure enough, me key no worky en la puerta either. So we had to call maintenance. Our maintenance man is a SUPER cool Dominican guy, and it always calms the Mexican down when he can speak Spickinese to someone.

Well, the maintenance guy couldn't get the door open either. So in an act of selfless heroism, he climbed a ladder up to our third floor balcony to open the door from inside. As it turned out, he had to replace the lock.

When he finished, I offered a beer as reward for his assistance. WHICH HE REFUSED!!! If there's one thing I hate more than people that don't drink, it's people who refuse hospitality.

Now I have no recourse but to assume he's a narc.

AventuraAsshole on Cougartown

For S.K. ♥ ...So I caught an episode of "Cougartown" and reminded of how incredibly, ridiculously hot Courtney Cox is (I realize her name is TECHNICALLY Cox-Arquette, I refuse to recognized this...we'll get to that later). So I asked myself, what would be the best way to get her attention?

Now, I'm not a smart man, but I know two things: a) Courtney is DEFINITELY an AventuraAsshole fan and, 3) She will be unable to resist me. So I have composed a list of things I would do to get in Courtney Cox's pants: club a baby seal (well, yes, technically I would just do that for fun...), attend a femininst rally holding a sign that says "WHAT ... See MoreTHE FUCK ARE YOU BITCHES DOING OUT OF THE KITCHEN?!!!", attend a skinhead rally with a sign that says "SAME-SEX, INTERRACIAL, JEWISH COUPLES FOR JESUS", and finally--I would walk into the middle of a strip club with a baggie full of Carpet Fresh and yell, "WHO LIKES FREE COCAINE?!!!!"
Peace, bitches...

AventuraAsshole takes a beer bong